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I’ve just looked over on Rickshaw Diaries and noticed a photo captioned ‘Other use for a cow‘.

We had our own stories of my father and his uncles swimming in the village reservoir in Gujarat.  As teenagers, this was told to us whenever my cousins and I returned from swimming in the local pool in Leicester.  To be more specific, after we returned from the chip shop close to the pool.

Kids, this was in the time before chicken and chips.  Yes, such a time existed and we are veterans of that time.  So, after my cousin Z had a swim, we would go to the chip shop and replace the calories so painfully taken from us.  Z had spent much time abroad on his own, studying and was excellent at ordering food in particular ordering without stopping his eating.  Seriously, it is a skill to behold.  He casually tossed food into his mouth with his right hand, his left hand perpendicular, extended at precisely the correct angle to be most visible to the chip shop owner.  Whilst still eating, Z would then place his request for further food to be consumed.

Of course, we are older now, and have acquired greyness and wobblebottoms and children.  We do not go out to chip shops as much and we dutifully eat salads.  But, eaing a kebab at East Park Road Fish and Chips, alongside our large fish and chips, that was our ‘alternative use of cow’ after swimming.

jumah

Dr M von Vogelhausen

Many thanks to minaretmuse who sent me the reviews of Dr M von Vogelhausen.  They are pure gold (rather like the ring below).

 

See full list of his reviews at …

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/cdp/member-reviews/A3B2IL2CP9GW2C?ie=UTF8&display=public&sort_by=MostRecentReview&page=1

 

10mm D Shape Gents Wedding Band in 18ct Solid Yellow Gold

10mm D Shape Gents Wedding Band in 18ct Solid Yellow Gold

 

…for many years the ring has been lost to us. it is a powerful ring, it speaks to us, its bright sheen reminds us of the fires whence it came. it burns when we wear it, but if we don’t wear it, it is very heavy around our neck. others ache for it, covet it with their jealous eyes, we must hide it.

Poster-Divan20 

The Radical Middle Way has organised a splendid event, with online pioneers and bloggers from the UK.  I will be at the event, so please do come along.  Click on the image above for more info, or see full post below.

Continue Reading »

[This article was published last week on the Guardian belief section in response to the he question: Are there beliefs to die for? ]

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/belief/2009/may/14/islam-community-religion

Musab Bora

A few weeks ago, a research article was published regarding Muslims who had fought and died for the British during the second world war. Some were as young as 15, and came from various places in the Indian subcontinent, including the region now known as Pakistan. The research was interesting because of the push by the Ministry of Defence to recruit more ethnic minorities, and especially Muslims, into the armed forces. In the light of the recent focus on Gurkhas fighting (and dying) for the British, the research shows that those willing to die for a country may not be the most obvious of candidates.

My father worked as an army chaplain at a marine base in El-Paso, Texas in the early 90s. He served with soldiers from the Gulf states who were being trained by the US army. We heard many stories of barracks life and how the soldiers he counselled were often in their late teens, training on quite sophisticated weaponry but really just dreaming of home. The truth is for many of them, the militairy was little more than a secure job. Personally I cannot understand how believing in an ideological cause is not a pre-requisite to putting your life at risk for it.

Generally speaking, Muslims are encouraged to be people of conscience regardless of circumstance. There is a famous, if rather graphic, story of the Ali, cousin of the Prophet Muhammad, when he was engaged in battle. At the moment he was about to strike down on his enemy, the enemy soldier spat in Ali’s face. Ali walked away, refraining from attacking him because he felt anger, and did not want to strike his enemy of out anger but for a greater cause he believed in.

Muslim terms, once exotic, are now familiar. We are taught about the "just war", jihad, and becoming a "shaheed" (martyr) and other honourable concepts. However, 1400 years of history of peoples spread over most of the planet means there is no uniform monolithic Muslim approach to war. The religion is principled but my fellow adherents are a diverse bunch. The lack of a central authority in Islam means opinions vary on issues where there is room for interpretation. As a consequence, the present Muslims discourse consciously and cynically demotes Muslim-on-Muslim violence in favour of highlighting conflict with outsiders: It is easier to "defend the honour" of Muslims if there is an outside threat to struggle against, to "defend the ummah".

In these turbulent times a mild cynicism has set in regarding rulings of one sort or another. That cynicism also spills into political justifications of war. We are encouraged on the one hand to support troops and air our disagreement with politicians. However, being a member of the armed forces would not have encouraged me to be a thinking, conscientious person who at any point had full control of his actions, or indeed, had his intentions as clear as Ali.

The concept of life is taken as a precious thing, to save one life is as if to save the life of the whole mankind. However, this is, again, an abstract idea. What is real and tangible is the community around me. I live in a predominantly non-Muslim area, and I would fight and die to defend my community, my neighbourhood. The concept of neighbourliness in Islam is quite a strong one – if any of your neighbours go hungry, you are required to feed them. Here, neighbours are defined as at least 40 houses either side of you, quite a large responsibility. We are urged to seek the permission of our neighbours before we travel on pilgrimage, if they are in need, we are required use the money to help them. Defending my community is just one of the causes I would be willing die for on the principle of justice. In fact, there are many causes I would die for, but far fewer I would kill for.

Salaams/Peace
Dear Radical Middle Way
Many thanks a lot for inviting me to be on the panel for Divan 2.0 this Friday.   It is an honour and a privilege.  I’m driving down from Birmingham, so I thought I would fire off a quick email to get some procedural points out of the way.  As a Professional Muslim Blogger With Important Things To Say (PM-BWTTS), my time is limited.

Firstly, have you received my allowance and expense claim form?  As you are government funded, not only are you deviant and obviously out to subvert the masses with your unspecific deviancy and general subversion, but clearly you must be rolling in it, to use the vernacular.  In short, I believe you all must be very rich, like those Quilliam fellows that seem to really excite  my fellow PM-BWTTS’s.  I really should type up my little Quilliam speech that I do regularly.  Khair.

Back to my claim form.  I was told by that jolly foreign-sounding chap who called me up that any expenses would be paid for.  Now, not being a Tory MP, I don’t have a moat, but my in-laws still live in London, so I hence my claim for a housekeeper and some garden manure.  I must confess, like many families from the subcontinent, they have put concrete over most of the garden, but there are borders that require fertilizer.  What this has to do with the ‘Soul of Islam’.  Everything!.  If the link is unclear, I will explain all on Friday.

Anyway, if the expense/allowance entry for ‘Hotel accommodation’ for the entire bank holiday weekend.  I am conducting vital research into the state of Mosque toilets, and how they are all continental style.  Unless we change these toilets to the English style, our youth is doomed. Who wants to squat, when sitting is so British?  My apologies for being so graphic, I know this is the sort of British Muslim research you like.  That’s what we PM-BWTTS’s do, think outside of the box, the box here being the ablution facilities in our mosques.

 

Anyways, must dash.  Frightfully honoured to be invited, and looking forward to meeting you all, and putting to rest those awful rumours that you are all reptile-aliens.

Do write back

Mr Moo

We still subscribe to retired RSS feeds, and we listen.  We do need to get over ourselves.  Today I have inserted some comments, because its really really early and I am feeling reckless.

pose

Can this be on that pleasant Hijabs High blog please?  Also, can someone do a brother’s version called ‘Lunghi Lane’?

I haven’t been blogging as much because I have been doing DIY, and nappy changing and sometimes not doing much at all.  Sorry.  I am not profound or hilarious all of the time.  Will try harder.

* * *

dont_hate

* * *

fatwa

We are obsessed with the halalosity food.

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loll<There is a pun in this one, if you look really really hard>

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aqidah

People still hassle me about what kind of Muslim I am.

I pick my nose when I think no-one is looking, that’s what kind of Muslim I am

* * *

mahid

Why think when you can construct end-of-days scenarios, thanks to nutters on YouTube.  We have Hadith to back it up.  Hadith!  Beat that? No?  Though not!

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salufi

* * *

shia

We need to get over this.  srsly.

* * *

The Muslim Umbrella Groups (MUGS) today cautiously applauds the measures undertaken to prepare for a porcine influenza pandemic.  MUGS will not make a pigs ear of this issue.  Rumours that we will stand by and do nothing are hogwash.

Amongst British Muslim community, there are challenges.  There have been many porkies told about swine flu.  MUGS are fully aware of the challenge ahead, but you can’t make a silk purse out of a sows ear.

Spokesparson Mullah Charles Balasubrmanaiamnarasimharao opines: “This is a sensitive issue, for years, interfaith relations have been hampered by pigs heads being left on mosque doorsteps (see here: http://www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en&q=Pigs+Head+Mosque ) Now, as we try to remain as if we are calm but secretly panicking and stockpiling Oreo cookies and UHT milk, we will do our utmost to give the appearance of a measured view.We will go the whole hog.”

“We have wallowed for too long in the mud of backwardness.  For too long we have had our snouts in the trough of public funding.  It is time for us to move on from the ‘pigs might fly/swine flu’ puns.  It is time for British Muslims to save our own bacon, for the good of us all.

MUGS will be available in their ‘Armegeddon-outta-here’ bunker somewhere in Dorset, preparing for the aporkalypse.

Notes:

  • MUGS is an umbrella group of umbrella groups, and are not affiliated to the singer Rihanna.
  • We are all liberal types, but still, Pork Scratching?  Fried bits of pigskin/fur?  Please, even in a free and liberal democracy there have to be limits.
  • The ‘aporkalypse’ pun was from a twitter post here http://twitter.com/thabet1979/status/1647193073

For those that are not aware, the TED talks are talks take place annually in California, see more at the wikipedia entry here.

One reaspn I like them is because of he broad range of speakers they have, with interesting ideas (TED stands for Technology, Entertainment, Design) Another reason I like them is that their videos are freely available to download to anyone who can.

(Of course, most of the planet doesn’t have internet access, but thats another topic for another day)

Below is a video from Sarah Jones.  It made me smile.

“Allah Made Me Funny” They are such lovely people, they play a big show in London tonight. They were on BBC Breakfast this morning and now have an interview on the BBC website. I went to see them last year, and yes, they really are funny.

I was walking up the street, on my lunch break when a colleague pulled up to drive me the short walk back to our workplace. Gratefully, I got in the car. There was some excellent recitation playing.

“Aah”, I said, “Sweet. Who is the Qari?”

“Suzuki Belano”

My mind raced. Who was this new Qari? He sounded Japanese-Italian, and my Qari cousins haven’t mentioned him. His recitation was excellent

“Who?” I replied

“Suzuki Belano!”

I pointed at the stereo,
“That!? Qari Suzuki Belano?”

My colleague smiled
“Ohhhhh, that is Abdul Baset, the car, the car is a Suzuki Belano!”

Despite the clarification, I feel the world is missing out somehow…

World Autism Day

Today, Wednesday 2nd April, is World Autism Day. Here’s the main website:

Wonder-blogger Yakoub Islam, whose son has autism, has posted up a personal and witty introduction to autism today (it’s just under 10 minutes):

(Topi tip to Yahya Birt for emailing me about this. I mainly just pasted his email and turned it into a blog post.

What? You want something original, and funny? Really? Er…

Two Muslim walk into a Bar….

You finish….)

MUGS strongly protests against the cutting of ties of Muslim groups.  We have have had our suit ties and our cable ties cut.

MUGS Spokesparson Mullah Charles Balasubnramaniamnarasimharao opines “We are a tidy organisation, our cables ties were elegant and neat.  Now our ties have been cut by the government, there is no community cohesion amongst our wires; they are all over the place.  Not only this, but now our suits look strange, with the neckties cut.  We feel like we have been revenged upon in the manner of a wife whose husband has been unfaithful.  We have been faithful, dear government, so why the hate?

fish-tieThis incident is far worse than when the government froze relations with Muslim umbrella groups.  We put Auntie Hajra into what we thought was an advanced cryogenic project, but it was just a fridge with a blue light in.  She hasn’t been the same since we thawed her.

In the future, we recommend more ties, not less.  And serious ties, not novelty football ties or fish ties.  MUGS states categorically that cutting ties of some Muslim organisations and waving Fishy ties with others is not a smart strategy.

1) Musab, Keep Clean
2) Musab, Be Thorough
3) Musab, Keep On The Straight Path

For the above, I could do one of the comic things I enjoy doing, but I don’t feel the need to.

mothers_day_ban_this_sick_filth

Today in the UK it is Mother’s Day,others around the world celebrate it on different days (see wikipedia entry: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mothers_day)

I saw on a forum someone asking what the Islamic ruling was on Mother’s Day. Now, not being a scholar, I don’t want to comment on the fiqh (despite the title of post, that was just to lure you in). Instead, the following train of thought occurred.

Scenario 1: You celebrate Mother’s Day, are happy to, and thus your Mother is happy.

Scenario 2: You celebrate Mother’s Day in a clandestine fashion, and the air of guilt tempers any pleasure gained from honouring your Mother (heaven lies under her feet….)

Scenario 3:
Mother’s Day is an innovation, and you have no need as every day is Mother’s Day.

I occurred to me the least satisfactory of these positions is Scenario 2. If I wanted to celebrate Mother’s Day, I would do it properly, with happiness and joy (hopefully).

If you follow Scenario 3, well, have a good day being generically good (without any change for today) to your Mother. I suspect you are not known for your jolly temperament, but that is just speculation on my part.

On a final note, will the grammer police (sic) please observe I have tried my best with the apostrophe thing in this post, and to take this into consideration when reporting future and past transgressions.

Three Things: Fatwa Club

No one suspects a multicoloured turtle being an underground sheikh.  Did you...?

Sayeda Versi, and has a problem with polygamy.

“In this country one married man is allowed to marry one woman. That is the way and that must be the way for everybody who lives in this country.”

A firm moral stance advocating the nuclear family.

Maybe she should tell her fellow party members.

It was valentines day recently, and I decided to write something on Love.  We all know the legends of Layla and Majnoun, Heer Ranja, Romeo and Juliet and Posh and Becks, exotic stories of passion.  However, here are some of the lesser known stories of love.

Samira and Adnan
In rural Punjab, in times past, Samira had a barrow in the marketplace, Adnan was a singer in a band.  Adnan said to Samira, ‘Girl I like your face’ and he said this as he took her by the hand.

Samira took offence, got her brothers to take Adnan to the fields outside the village where some summary ’stick justice’ was applied.  However, when Adnan’s broken bones had healed, he approached Samira’s parents and revealed he had inherited a sizable plot of prime agricultural land the other side of town to the fields where he had been horrifically beaten.  Samiras parents acquiesced and Samira and Adnan where happily married for ever.  Legend has it that Adnan stopped singing soon after he was married and became an accountant as it had a much more regular work than a Nasheed Artiste.  Why is their story so legendary?  Adnan is a hero to all men, he knew what he was in for and went back for more.

Mat and Amirah
In Malaysia, in the seventeenth century, there is the legendary story of Mat and Amira.

Come from different tribes, who are at war.  They both decided to flee.  they also decided to flee together, which would save on costs.  Starting on their epic journey to the United States, they got tired and  ended up settling in the next village.  Mat became a blacksmith, and the happy couple had a large family and became moderately successful.  Mat heroically save Amirah from a rabid cow by stabbing the cow with a machete, quite savagely.  However, it was for a noble reason, so everyone was happy.   In that village, all young men have to savagely slaughter a cow with a rusty machete before they get married in honour of Mat’s heroism.

Shaheena and Fred
Many romantic stories tell of love that crosses cultural divide, but the story of Shaheena and Fred illustrates how love can make a man, quite literally.  Shaheena was a princess in some generic Sultanate, oh, lets call it Baghdadylonia.  When she was young, the court painter had put a portrait of a dashing man on horseback.  This  masculine countenance gazed down on the young Shaheena, becoming the image of manliness in her eyes.  When she was of marriagable age, her line of suitors were rebuffed, for they could not match the image on the canvas.

Exasperated, her father asked her what the issue was, and the Princess confessed.  The father summoned the painter, who revealed the manly visage was based around the face of his Aunty Farida, was quite a well built woman.  He had added a beard on for artistic effect and the rather dashing image was the result.
Eventually the sultan ordered a mechanical man be made in the image of the image.  A European inventor was paid handsomely to build the worlds first robot companion, well before Azimov thought of the morality and modernity had put a more deviant spin on it.

Mr Moo needs

Rules: Google your first name and the word needs. Put the phrase within quotation marks, i.e., “Your Name needs” and then press search.

1. Mr. Moo needs to refuel himself with char and Jamaica cake
2. Mr. Moo needs no help spending his own money
3. Mr Moo needs a back wax,
4. Mr. Moo needs his own myspace
5. Mr. Moo needs to pick up some hobbies
6. Mr. moo needs a nap to recharge!
7. Mr Moo needs a home
8. Mr Moo needs help
9. mr moo needs to meet reef and put her in check
10. Mr Moo needs someone to take care of his OCR

Extra bonus…

11. Mr Moo needs the Loo
12. Mr. moo needs to lay off the kurosawa and shakespeare

HT to Baraka

Following recent reports that there has been a rise in the number of Muslims, MUGS issues a call to middle class Muslims to increase their family sizes at a swifter rate. MUGS has realised, during the past few years it has valiantly striven to represent all types of Muslims, but our favourite ones are the middle-class ones, who have better jobs and crisper English. Middle-class Muslims tend to be more academic, marry later, have fewer children.

Working class Muslims tend to be very casual about babies, and are very shouty in their Islam, whilst upper class Muslims have harems and polygamous extended palaces full of amoral sproglets. It is the Middle-class Muslims who are squeezed in the middle, statistically speaking. MUGS calls on this demographic group to increase the number of Muslim children as these will be the Right Sort of Muslims.

Our four point plan includes:

- encouraging Young Middle-Class Muslims to be less picky when choosing a partner.
- spreading the slogan “Marry early, the Sunnah the better”
- Have as many children all schooled in The Right Sort of Islam as possible
- Spread The Right Sort of Middle Class Muslim Messages to children other than your own. Stalk the corners in working class Muslim areas, pushing packets of Middle class Muslimness to these feral children so they get addicted.

The future of the UK is at stake, and to these Middle Class Muslims, it is time for us to accept the challenge. Out time is now.

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