One Friday, during Jumah speeching
The young Imam was bored of preaching
‘We should leave this fine place
To the beach we should race
Sun sand and sea will be my teaching!’

The Leicesterwalas were all aghast
Surely he couldn’t last
Sanity prevailed
The musallis exhaled
To Skegness they travelled en-masse

The Imam was highly commended
For the joy he brought unintended
‘Our mosques can be so dull
But our day now is full’
They got back before Maghrib ended

The moral, my dear friends is rather clear
Whether in Leicester, or somewhere near
Don’t be so po-faced
As long as you’re chaste
From fun, we all have nothing to fear

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On another note entirely, I liked this

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The Muslim origins of Valentine’s Day

There once was a village in Muslimistan, where a young boy called Wali Nuteen lived.  He was a kind, fun-loving adventurous boy, who was Sunni, practicing, tall, with a fair complexion, steady job and a healthy respect for Shia people, without appearing dogmatic.  In fact, just the kind of description any Muslim lady scouring adverts on Muslim matrimonial sites would be happy with.

One day, Wali was walking along the main street of his village when he spied a beautiful lady.  In an instant, he fell in love.  The girl was called Begum; she was from a rival tribe.  She was 23 years his senior, and already married.  But he still, Walis love for Begum knew no bounds.
Usually, someone like Wali would be smacked silly at the very least by Begum’s husband, or by Begum’s family or more likely, by both.  However, Wali was known as being an eccentric boy and decent if not very bright sort, so they didn’t kill him.  Wali didn’t do much about his love either, just quietly waited for the right time.

Many years later, news reached Walis village that Begum’s husband had tragically chocked on his miswaak. Begum was distraught and her children fatherless.  Wali, being the insensitive, selfish chap that people in love usually are, thought he had found his chance.  Begum’s father, who was now 76, met with Wali.
“Your only chance with my daughter is if you can kiss your elbow”

For the next few days Wali wandered between his village and Begums village, vainly trying to kiss his elbows.  At last, he couldn’t take it anymore.  With the assistance of a local blacksmith,  Wali dislocated both shoulders, and kissed both his elbows.  Triumphant, he staggered to Begums house.

However the awkward angle of his drooping arms, along with the screams of pain, looked like an insult to Begum’s father.  He promptly shot Wali through the heart. Begum did not know any of this as she was on a recuperative trip to the seaside.  Begum’s father was a very very clever man.
The locals used this story to warn children about love, and the story became ‘Wali Nuteen Day’, which after visits by Crusaders, and many years of retelling, became ‘Valentine’s Day’.  The moral, dear readers, is this:

Do not dislocate both your shoulders to kiss your elbows on Valentine’s Day, or any other day for that matter.

Four Lions and the right to offend

Some Muslims are gearing up to be offended by Chris Morris’ Four Lions. Others will be having a good old laugh

“Muslim Protest at Jihadist Film” – I can see the headlines already. Despite no release date having been fixed, the predictions of a furore around Four Lions have already begun. For those that have not yet seen the clip or heard about the plot, Four Lions is a British farce about four suicide bombers from Sheffield.

It isn’t surprising that one expects there to be a backlash from the “angry Muslim” brigade. In this age of instant digital media, the tools to generate anger are readily available. There is now a regular cottage industry of forwarding texts and emails with the latest “insult to Islam”. The unfortunate trend is led by a minority who use social networking to whip up anger at trivial things like a New York store front being shaped like a cube (They Are Insulting Mecca!). If one examines these topics of “Muslim anger” they are not all the same. Some are geopolitical or local conflicts that have a religious dimension. Others are incidents of attacks on Muslims. The globalised context means that riots in Nigeria or mosque attacks in Moscow are instantly in our inbox. It doesn’t help that the right-wing tabloids continue to highlight stories of the latest heinous act committed by Muslims/migrants/Asians/asylum seekers/terrorists (it is all the same to them). Whether a tabloid editor or a generator of Muslim spam, each group is taking part a self-reinforcing cycle of outrage.

Four Lions doesn’t challenge any fundamental principle of Islam. The film deals with Muslims who have a deviant interpretation of the religion; it satirises those who kill themselves in order to murder others. If some fear that the film will demonise Muslims, my perspective is that suicide bombers and their extremist cheerleaders have already done that rather well.

But Muslims groups on the whole are getting more sophisticated at reacting, or not, to the latest manufactured controversy. They are beginning to understand that with freedom of speech comes the freedom to offend. Alongside this, there is also an awareness that culture, as well as reflecting reality, is meant to challenge us. Gilbert and George have exhibitions of photos of excrement and are expected to be taken seriously. Four Lions should be seen more in the tradition of “The Great Dictator” by Chaplin rather than “The Life of Brian”.

Personally I predict Chris Morris’s use of comedy and satire to undermine jihadi extremism will be so successful the government will try to co-opt this as a strand in its counter-extremism strategy. As well as prevent and pursue, we may also have piss-take.

At its core, Four Lions does deal with a sinister topic, and some will feel uncomfortable at it being satirised. However, this is what Chris Morris does. I asked a Muslim friend who had seen the film what he thought and he said “I have mixed feeling about it, its laugh-out-loud funny, but you sort of feel sad that these sort of people [suicide bombers] are around in the first place.”

On Monday, on Radio 4, Screen International critic David D’Arcy said of the film, “It will offend all sorts of people: It will offend the British; it will offend Muslims; it will offend jihadists.”

It takes a certain amount of self confidence to laugh at ourselves, and the coming few months will see how confident, as a community, British Muslims can be.

A cursory look at Islamic scriptures would indicate that the souls of animals do not carry on into the afterlife. Islam however, has plenty to say on animals and our relationships with them.

Animals are viewed as creatures that are deemed to be in a state of constant worship. In terms of their place in the earthly hierarchy, they are mentioned with humans and jinn. (Jinn being creatures of energy, not genies, who live in lamps, are voiced by Robin Williams and frustratingly do not allow unlimited wishes as the first wish). The difference however is that whilst humans and jinn have free will, animals do not.

This has an impact on how creatures are to be judged. In Islamic teachings, on the day of reckoning, all creatures will rise up and have justice for any wrong that was done to them, including animals. However, only humans and jinn will be judged on their actions and go on to the afterlife.

This then brings on the question that every small child asks on the death of a pet. Mummy, will I see kitty in heaven? I remember asking this when our own family cat went missing and the reply was, “Allah is generous and infinite in his mercy, so if you want kitty in heaven, Allah will provide.”

But what about animals in this life? Muslims have a multi-faceted relationship with animals. We eat them, we sacrifice them, we are allowed to hunt them for dinner and some we keep as pets. Others are seen as ritually unclean while many are viewed as benign but not suitable for human consumption. There was a heated discussion in my family recently regarding pigs, which only came to an end after we were reminded that Allah does not make mistakes, and therefore our porcine friends have their purpose too.

In general, I tend to see the Muslim view of animals as a simple choice: curry or kebab? We like them; we know our relationship with them is temporary; we will enjoy them while we can. As to whether we will enjoy them in the afterlife, I was taught that in heaven if you want any animal as food, you just think of it and it will appear in your hand ready cooked. It was not clear whether this included, God forgive me, a bacon sandwich.

Much as Muslims love their meat, it is however unfair to reduce our view of animals to one of basic consumption and even for this, there are precise rules governing animal slaughter to ensure the animal is caused minimal distress. The broad principle is that we are instructed to be kind to animals. An illustration of this is the story of the Prophet Muhammad who loved his cat so much that when it fell asleep on the sleeve of his robe he cut off the sleeve rather than disturb the cat. In another narration we hear of how a man was granted paradise for giving water to a thirsty dog.

This level of compassion towards animals has admittedly yet to translate into a mass movement in animal welfare. As Nazry Bahrawi mentioned on these pages, human beings are considered vice-regents on earth, and are therefore accountable for how they behave towards the earth and its inhabitants. To my mind, all of this adds up to one thing; if you want kitty or kebabs in heaven, be kind to animals on earth.