Salaams/Peace
Dear Radical Middle Way
Many thanks a lot for inviting me to be on the panel for Divan 2.0 this Friday. It is an honour and a privilege. I’m driving down from Birmingham, so I thought I would fire off a quick email to get some procedural points out of the way. As a Professional Muslim Blogger With Important Things To Say (PM-BWTTS), my time is limited.
Firstly, have you received my allowance and expense claim form? As you are government funded, not only are you deviant and obviously out to subvert the masses with your unspecific deviancy and general subversion, but clearly you must be rolling in it, to use the vernacular. In short, I believe you all must be very rich, like those Quilliam fellows that seem to really excite my fellow PM-BWTTS’s. I really should type up my little Quilliam speech that I do regularly. Khair.
Back to my claim form. I was told by that jolly foreign-sounding chap who called me up that any expenses would be paid for. Now, not being a Tory MP, I don’t have a moat, but my in-laws still live in London, so I hence my claim for a housekeeper and some garden manure. I must confess, like many families from the subcontinent, they have put concrete over most of the garden, but there are borders that require fertilizer. What this has to do with the ‘Soul of Islam’. Everything!. If the link is unclear, I will explain all on Friday.
Anyway, if the expense/allowance entry for ‘Hotel accommodation’ for the entire bank holiday weekend. I am conducting vital research into the state of Mosque toilets, and how they are all continental style. Unless we change these toilets to the English style, our youth is doomed. Who wants to squat, when sitting is so British? My apologies for being so graphic, I know this is the sort of British Muslim research you like. That’s what we PM-BWTTS’s do, think outside of the box, the box here being the ablution facilities in our mosques.
Anyways, must dash. Frightfully honoured to be invited, and looking forward to meeting you all, and putting to rest those awful rumours that you are all reptile-aliens.
Do write back
Mr Moo
Dear Mr Moo
On behalf of the petit intelligentsia who believe it’s possible to engage in independent thought without holding a Dars-i-Nizami or a PhD in Islamic Studies, be Muslim, and still hold an entirely different set of understandings with regards to din al-Haqq relative to the majority of the ahl-al Sunnah wa Jamaat ulema, could you ask the RMW elite, “Are you the orthodoxy police?”
I merely seek information.
Jazak Allah
Yakoub
I always felt petit fours were over-rated, but the petit intelligentsia take the biscuit; fondant-fancies on a silver-plated tray. Give me an almond slice every time.