Muslim Survival Guide For Christmas (Part 1)

It’s not easy being a Muslim at Christmas, so here is our handy guide to help.

• * Whenever the opportunity presents itself, eat mince pies, dawah works both ways, and most mince pies are now suitable for vegetablarians.  Just to clarify, mince pies are fruit pies and not kheema pies (though come to think of it, kheema pies sound like a very good idea).

• * When carol singers come, why not give them your ‘foreign’ currency.  We are sure they will appreciate the dirhams, riyals, rupees and dollars you have collected on your travels.  The nice carol singers will be too busy ding-dong-merrily-on-highing to notice.

• *Explain to children that we are different, and our lack of jolliness is due to eschatological and ecumenical schisms.  Use those exact words.  When your little ones look puzzled, explain how both Christians and Muslims believe that Jesus will come back, and based on current trends, it looks like we will be having some fisticuffs over who lays claim to him.  When your children look even more puzzled, point to the weather outside to change the subject

• *Muslims may not celebrate Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, but we firmly believe in Boxing Day.  The lure of wanton abandonment of decorum during holiday sales will appease those who accuse Muslims of not integrating.  We will be there, at the front of the queue, in our hijabs and beards and irritating sobriety, and join the rest of the UK in it paean to the UK Retail Shedding-Of-The-Skin

• *On Christmas Day itself, most of the shops are shut.  Why not use the extra time to set up a local bartering system with your Muslim friends.  A word of warning though, the swopping of children should only be done with mutual consent and appropriate legal advice being undertaken.

• *Those that have extended families who are celebrating Christmas, and are joining in with the family dinner, transfer your feelings of guilt by asking for really odd requests and pretend it is to do with religious requirements.  Just make stuff up.  For example,
  • -Ask that no yellow coloured foods are touching green coloured foods
  • -Ask that all vegetable are washed three times in metal containers
  • -Ask that no pork, alcohol or giraffe meat be present.  Make a point about mentioning the giraffe meat.  Have a slightly wild-eyed look in your eyes when talking about this
  • -Ask all female members of the household who are not Muslim, to wash their index fingers.

Remember to improvise.  This time comes once a year, so make it special